Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I need to align my fucking chakras
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize