It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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