He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
there was a trapeze. enough said
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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