At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
