never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
