I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
