I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
