They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
