I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
even my farts smell like vagina
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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