just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
