I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
