cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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