so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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