Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
