That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
there was a trapeze. enough said
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
