Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize