i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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