He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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