I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
