It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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