i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
