I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
