You're my little dorito
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
