Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
two words: eviction party
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
