i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
