put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
