I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm going to jail i love you
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
