when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
