I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
