He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
