You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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