Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
