birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
