M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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