I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
