She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
