you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
