He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just high enough for therapy.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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