in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
