Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
