Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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