You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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