Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
