On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
