If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
