Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
