Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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