I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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