i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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