Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
