somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
