Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
