my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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