you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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