you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The Olympian is in my bed
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
