I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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