when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
