I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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